Please don't glare

The year my son turned 5 was a really hard year for us. He was in Kindergarten, and had to follow the rules of school. Sit in a seat, don't blurt out, mind your manners, color in the lines (okay, maybe that is just some teachers). My son was not viewed very kindly. He was a disruption to his peers, he would wander around the grounds. Do exactly what he was NOT asked to do (such as whack the fish tank when he was told not to, because it might hurt the fish-yes, one died, and then he learned to never do that again). It was hard lesson after hard lesson. We were told by a staff member that he is just making bad choices, but honestly the way they said it, I just heard, "You're son is bad". The looks of disappointment cut to my core. I was told at a behavioral concern meeting that maybe I needed to manage his behavior better, or maybe it was something we weren't doing a home. Did they know that the lessons I tried to teach him was taught a thousand times? No! It felt pretty hopeless, and my husband and I were considering ourselves pretty bad parents. But, one woman observed him (she was a specialist in the district for Early learning intervention) and she noticed he had difficulty understanding cause and effect. Yes! That's what I have been trying to tell everyone!! It was starting to become clear.

Around the same time things were looking hopeless at school, I was talking with his occupational therapist about Asperger's (now called High Functioning Autism). I had been noticing in my readings some of the similarities between the Autism Spectrum and my son. They have delayed language skill, my son didn't learn to talk until he was 2. They have one interest fixations; my son has loved dinosaurs since as long as I can  remember-now he wants to be an archaeologist and dig up dinosaur bones. He always lined up his toys and organized them (sometimes according to color), this is another indicator. If he learns a new game, it's ALL he will think about, and talk about and eating or all other functions become secondary, and it's a one sided conversation (common for those with autism), He can use advanced vocabulary in context without entirely knowing it's meaning (High functioning autistic children are very complex detailed thinkers). He doesn't like to look anyone in the eye he doesn't know well, and he prefers not too, but it doesn't mean he is listening. He does a happy wiggle every time he's excited about something and dances with his hands. He is scenario based, and one skill in a new environment will not transfer unless he has been in this environment several times and knows the expectation (for example not jumping on the furniture, he would climb and jump on any new person's house even though at home he is not allowed-well, climbing, but not jumping). He also has no volume control (this is getting better-and could be because his dad is from the New York area). There are no gray areas for him, so if you say 'maybe' it means yes, even if it's not an immediate yes. He takes things literally (he is starting to understand when people are teasing or over exaggerating but only if he knows you well). These all fall under the autism spectrum, and I started to add them up and realized maybe we weren't addressing the whole need.

We decided to have him evaluated by the Seattle Children's Autism center and for the first time in my life I felt like someone heard me. It took a year wait list (again) to get in, and another 4 months to have a full diagnosis. They screen for ADHD, and other possibilities before concluding it was autism. They were very thorough and helpful, and really took the time to know the whole story. But, it was very draining, and it took some time. It was confirmed, my suspicions were right. My son has autism.

Shortly before his diagnosis I had already decided and I knew in my heart that he did in fact have autism. I was trying to process things, and trying to avoid people that looked at my son differently, turn away from those who shot horrid glances in my direction in stores when I would say no to him and he would tantrum, One time, I will never forget when my anger just couldn't stay locked inside. It was summer time and the bees were in full motion, which my son was deathly afraid of and would run away from at all costs, even his life. We were in a grocery parking lot, and he thought he saw a bee and ran into the street in front of a vehicle. The woman in the truck thankfully slammed on the breaks, but then yelled at me, "Watch your son!" I screamed in all desperation, "HE HAS AUTISM!!" I grabbed my son's arm and went to the car and just sobbed. It took some time to compose myself and I told my son I was sorry for yelling and that he needs to stay by me, I assured him I would take care of the bees or any bug that bothers him. All of the sudden I had a knock on my window. The same woman stood there with full remorse on her face with a bouquet of flowers. "I'm so sorry, it must be really hard for you" she said as she handed me flowers. All I could this, is "Yes" because so many people don't understand, they just look at me and judge me and my son, and he is trying. He is a sweet boy, and somethings are out of his control.

So, before you judge a screaming child or the parent who is accompanying one, just remember, you might not know their story. To those moms, I always say, "I understand, and you are doing great." To the woman who gave me flowers, "Thank you for understanding, and I forgive you".