How to Survive a Tantrum

When our kids get into a space of either being overstimulated or having difficulty dealing with their emotions it becomes difficult for them to calm down. Having a sensory space does help with the tantrums when things are going difficult at home but when we are out it's not that easy. I have found myself many times in a store or out doing my errands when my son is all of the sudden things become unmanageable. There are some ways to avoid this. It's not fool proof, but it can help. Before you even go anywhere, have a schedule, visual is even better. I've had my son even hold it on our errands. This really helps because they need to know what to expect in their environment his or her environment and to be able to process the possible sensory inputs that they may be experiencing. For example, every time we went to the grocery store my son would become very upset near the seafood section because of the strong smell of fish. So we would either make it that the last stop before we left the store or my husband and I would go to separate sections of the store so we get could the seafood without bothering him and setting of a meltdown. 

As a parent you also need to remember that your child may react differently if they are hungry or thirsty, had too much sugar, or have not had enough protein in that day. This way, we can gauge whether it's worth it to go out and do an errand, or take care of those needs before we go. Sometimes we don't have a choice, so having snacks on hand or even a fidget toy purse could possibly help them just to be able to calm down in any new environment or in a very busy environment like a grocery store. Sometimes there are just circumstances that we can't avoid and all of a sudden our child is either on the ground as a five-year-old or six-year-old or (insert your child's age here) and they are very upset at something that is not going their way and who knows where it came from. When this happened I need to check my surroundings. Is everyone around my child safe? Is he safe? Then I have to ask myself, do I stay after this is done or do we leave? Either way as sensory parents and as parents of children with autism when we go out, we need to ask ourselves what will the outcome be if a child has a tantrum. Are we going to sit and wait and let them have their tantrum? What is going to be the outcome? If we have it in our minds before hand no matter what happens then it will help us have a plan when it does occur.

 I have found that sometimes they really do need to get these tantrums out of their system in order to feel more comfortable in their body again and sometimes it's their only outlet. It's not fun for us as parents but sometimes the child just needs to get it out. If you are noticing aggressive behaviors with your child then chances are things are building up but they are not being addressed with your child. There are a number of factors as to why this is happening. It could be a chemical imbalance, it could have to do with diet, it could just be sensory overload or a need of sensory input. I used to have an agreement with my son that if he had a tantrum in the store that we would sit in an area of the store and wait until he calm down then we would talk through his feelings (of course after he was calm) and then we would continue to do groceries shopping. But I needed to have a plan ahead of time and even schedule in that possible tantrum time to make sure that when I went to the store I had ample for whatever we faced. That may not be your approach, but  having a plan helps you and it helps your child. 

One time we were in a bowling alley and he had thought that because I had said maybe we would be able to get a treat from the candy machines that it would happen, no questions asked. (Never say maybe to a child with autism, it's not literal enough). So when we finished bowling and we started to leave and he realized that he wasn't getting a candy from the candy machine he started to have a meltdown. This was probably one of the first extreme emotional meltdowns that my son had in public. And something in me just told me to wait and let him get it out. So I stood my ground, and said we weren't getting candy, and I zoned out every single person around me. I didn't care who was watching because I knew that my son needed to have this outlet so I waited until he was completely calm and before I could even say anything, my son looked at me and said "Thank you mommy". This was a pivotal point for me because I realize that my choice to let my son have a tantrum was so important for him. He had so much building up inside him. It may not seem like a tantrum is a good thing, but it might be a necessary thing for your child.

When other children are involved in the situation of a meltdown or a tantrum we may need to intervene. In the case of a volatile situation where a child becomes aggressive, you may need to remove the other children and even yourself. As long as your child is safe and simply saying this is not OK and walking away may be your only choice because chances are your child is becoming aggressive because they are in fight or flight mode. 

Fight or flight means that the executive function is no longer functioning. The executive function is the frontal part of the brain that helps a person with a reasoning ability. When the amygdala (The area that responds to fight or flight) is activated then it overrides the frontal cortex (the area that tells us to make a good decision). When the amygdala takes over your child is no longer processing what you say to them so the behavior will probably not change. The best decision is to walk away, and take others with you so that everyone around them is safe. This is a scary place to be. No parent wants to have to protect their child from their other child or children in their home but sometimes its our only choice. As equally important when that child does calm down and you need to talk to them about the make sure that the other child isn't in the room until you come up with a solution to rectify the situation. Helping them to problem solve about what they might be able to do differently will help in future decisions. I will spend time in a future blog discussing ABA, but this service really helped our child.

Surviving a tantrum isn't easy and it's exhausting. Make sure to give yourself that self-care afterwards. It's really important. If you can remain calm during a tantrum that will help things, and your child will work towards regulating just by watching how you respond. You might need to give yourself the space from your child afterwards, ask a friend or your partner to help with watching your child to give yourself some free time to be able to decompress yourself. We suffer the trauma too, and if we don't take care of ourselves we can't meet the needs of our family. Whether it's bubble bath, a glass of wine, or a chat with a friend, take time to recover, we need to survive!