My other boy's needs

I feel like it would be a miss to not include my other son in this blog as he plays a role in our lives as well. I wrote earlier on Sibling Care that we need to be careful how we focus only on the child with the higher needs, so I would like to expand on this today. I remember early on in our journey when my youngest son was struggling with help at school and I didn't know how to give him the support he needed, plus I was working full time (not by choice but by finances) and my time was limited (especially during the school day). I was praying about it and it hit me, my oldest son has special needs too, and I don't think I was attending to them all that well. He was the one responsible to be a "good example", not teach bad habits and make sure his brother was safe (if we were in a new environment). In a way I know as parents we are to blame that my son has taken somewhat of a parenting role in his brother's life. But both my sons have needs, and they are equally important.

I decided I would pay more attention to my oldest (when we weren't in crisis) and show him undivided attention. Eye contact is so powerful but sometimes needs to be practiced! It took only 2 weeks to notice a difference in my relationship with him. He seemed happier, I knew what made him laugh, I knew his struggles at school, his insecurities, and struggles and how much he seemed to just accept coming in "second" because of his brother's needs. It was heartbreaking and yet it was eye opening and I was glad I had decided to notice his needs, even to see his pain. He continues to open up to both my husband and I and I can catch when he's having an off day because of this decision.

I just want to recognize my son for the unique boy his is (in all his pre-teen middle school ways). My oldest is an artist, he has been since he was 2yrs old. He started drawing pirate ships and fish in the sea below by age 3, created his own characters by age 4, made his own comics by age 5 and so on! He's now 11 and has about 3 series of comics he frequently works on and hopes to attend an art institute in the future. We are beyond amazed at his talent and he hopes to publish one of his comics by the end of the year! He's always had his own artistic style not based on trend but his own creative ideas and he beats to his own drum. He is so compassionate and will wrap his arms around any of us when we cry (and I've heard he does the same for friends) and he loves to serve (I taught him to make coffee and now he loves bringing me a cup on Saturday mornings (or Thursday when I get to start late at work before driving him to school). He plays piano and at age 9 taught himself classical pieces he enjoys, which made us realize he needed to take lessons!! He just recently played the Sugar Plum Fairy with his piano teams and did an amazing job. He has his own YouTube channel with 13 subscribers and he's thrilled. In it he makes paper games, eats new "weird" foods and fun experiments. He's so creative and I am so proud other notice it too!

As a result from having trauma around him though he struggles with anxiety and OCD, and if I didn't take the time to really look at my son I would think everything is just fine. So, here's my advice to you. Take quality time with your children without high needs, we call it "special time" with just you and them. It might look as simple as just a trip with you and them to the store or playing basketball or another sport they like. Notice his/her/their needs, talk about how they feel when their sibling gets out of hand or has a meltdown. Surprise them by doing their favorite thing (ice cream shop they love or park they enjoy going to). All of our children have needs and we just need to be reminded to look for them.