It's Supposed to be a Vacation!

Transitions are hard for our kids, even when we think everything is going to be great, after all we are on vacation doing something fun, right?! Wrong! Change is hard, even good change, and sometimes it comes without warning. Maybe you are in the middle of a tough transition with your child, maybe you are heading into a new change. Either way, it's not too late to get out of the spinning out of control emotion your child is facing.

I'm in the middle of a hard transition: (read if this is you)
It's not too late to turn things around. I know we all (okay, I do) like to be spontaneous when it comes to vacation or days off and that's okay, we can have structure and down time.
What's missing??
Start by figuring out some things the child is missing from their regular routine. My son loves doing math and would tell me on the hour, "Oh, now we are doing math time" according to his school schedule. So, I decided lets do some math! Thankfully, his school has a great program on their school page and they can focus on any school subject they like (core ones anyways). Yes, it's a math computer game, but to him it's something he is used to doing. For PE we would do some physical exercise and so on.
Do I have to have a full routine?
Having a basic structure for your day, or even your week helps. I have even said, breakfast, errands, screen time, and crafts, lego or art in the afternoon then free time (yes, lunch and dinner are added). Again, help them decide what they want to put first and plan out your day first thing. It helps them have some control of their day so their body is less likely to spin out of control.
Should every day be the same?
We like to have a routine we follow for the week. Only 3 days have a theme, the others are like the day above (just to make it a bit simpler. For example, we go to the Library on Monday (and the afternoon or sometimes before lunch we read), then Wednesday is Adventure Day!! We choose those in the beginning of summer, but you can start anytime in the middle of a transition. We choose activities such as riding the bus into town, or taking a long walk, or trying a new store or restaurant. It could even be a picnic, and it doesn't have to cost anything. Fridays are usually exercise days. We don't exercise all day, just choose an activity we like and the majority needs to agree, if you have more than one child have them alternatively choose the activity.

I'm coming up to a new transition: (read if this is you)
Talking about it coming is really important. Your child may be excited about the upcoming change, but they are still out of sorts when it happens. If this is something repeated that they have and they remember it (like summer vacation for an older child that would remember) talk about how they won't be doing Math and PE but maybe they could get ideas from their teachers how to bring some things home.
Create a visual schedule and have your child involved in the process. Ask them some things they would like to do (limit it to 3 so it's not too overwhelming). I chose Library (or Reading), Adventure (trying something new or different or something they don't do often) and Exercise. (Read above for more ideas).
Create sensory input and down times. It will be overwhelming for them to do new things everyday and all day, so try to limit how much you introduce in the first few days or weeks depending on your child. We might have the themes but make them really short and simple.
Have the proper food!!
This is key. When your child is not at school eating becomes sporadic and binging can happen (especially when they are older and have access to the cupboards. Keep natural proteins available, along with fruits and veggies they like. Limit sugary and high salt foods (a treat is fine every once in a while but if we have too much of this they tend to go there first). I'm thankful my son loves his fruit, I just have to remind his there are carrots, and cheese, etc to eat too.

These can be trying times but give yourself some grace and realize it will adjust. Keep the wine handy and make sure take some downtime and get a sitter or ask your spouse to take over when you need it.

It takes a village

As a special needs Mom I know that I can't do life alone. I have learned that I need to ask for help, for prayer, and for people to watch my children when I need a break. When my son was 3 we thought the therapy was over. He had caught up in his speech and things were looking great for his language. But, he had by no means the concept of safety and acceptable behavior. Yes, a 3 yr. old has a hard time understanding life as it is, but when your body has gotten in the way of you learning what should be expected learning (after several times tell him we needed to be safe crossing the street and he still jutted out every time) everything needs to be taught in a way that makes sense. Visual charts, illustrations, practiced behavior, etc. Still, he's 10 now, and sometimes he forgets to this day. It's a constant battle on an uphill terrain. That's why we need a village. I have women in my life that just pray for me, that's it, they ask what I need and they pray. Then, I have those that see me weary and they bring meals. Others take my kids for the night so I can relax and get to bed early. All because I asked for help at some point, and I didn't say I'm fine, it's okay. Don't pretend that you can do this on your own, because you can't. God helps us, for sure, but He also sends others, and it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. Go....find your village.

My other boy's needs

I feel like it would be a miss to not include my other son in this blog as he plays a role in our lives as well. I wrote earlier on Sibling Care that we need to be careful how we focus only on the child with the higher needs, so I would like to expand on this today. I remember early on in our journey when my youngest son was struggling with help at school and I didn't know how to give him the support he needed, plus I was working full time (not by choice but by finances) and my time was limited (especially during the school day). I was praying about it and it hit me, my oldest son has special needs too, and I don't think I was attending to them all that well. He was the one responsible to be a "good example", not teach bad habits and make sure his brother was safe (if we were in a new environment). In a way I know as parents we are to blame that my son has taken somewhat of a parenting role in his brother's life. But both my sons have needs, and they are equally important.

I decided I would pay more attention to my oldest (when we weren't in crisis) and show him undivided attention. Eye contact is so powerful but sometimes needs to be practiced! It took only 2 weeks to notice a difference in my relationship with him. He seemed happier, I knew what made him laugh, I knew his struggles at school, his insecurities, and struggles and how much he seemed to just accept coming in "second" because of his brother's needs. It was heartbreaking and yet it was eye opening and I was glad I had decided to notice his needs, even to see his pain. He continues to open up to both my husband and I and I can catch when he's having an off day because of this decision.

I just want to recognize my son for the unique boy his is (in all his pre-teen middle school ways). My oldest is an artist, he has been since he was 2yrs old. He started drawing pirate ships and fish in the sea below by age 3, created his own characters by age 4, made his own comics by age 5 and so on! He's now 11 and has about 3 series of comics he frequently works on and hopes to attend an art institute in the future. We are beyond amazed at his talent and he hopes to publish one of his comics by the end of the year! He's always had his own artistic style not based on trend but his own creative ideas and he beats to his own drum. He is so compassionate and will wrap his arms around any of us when we cry (and I've heard he does the same for friends) and he loves to serve (I taught him to make coffee and now he loves bringing me a cup on Saturday mornings (or Thursday when I get to start late at work before driving him to school). He plays piano and at age 9 taught himself classical pieces he enjoys, which made us realize he needed to take lessons!! He just recently played the Sugar Plum Fairy with his piano teams and did an amazing job. He has his own YouTube channel with 13 subscribers and he's thrilled. In it he makes paper games, eats new "weird" foods and fun experiments. He's so creative and I am so proud other notice it too!

As a result from having trauma around him though he struggles with anxiety and OCD, and if I didn't take the time to really look at my son I would think everything is just fine. So, here's my advice to you. Take quality time with your children without high needs, we call it "special time" with just you and them. It might look as simple as just a trip with you and them to the store or playing basketball or another sport they like. Notice his/her/their needs, talk about how they feel when their sibling gets out of hand or has a meltdown. Surprise them by doing their favorite thing (ice cream shop they love or park they enjoy going to). All of our children have needs and we just need to be reminded to look for them.

Essential Oils and Natural Remedies

So, I am sure you are aware of the oils fad. There are so many different companies to choose from, and the grades and prices can be a bit confusing. I love oils, and I am all about using natural approaches to help our kiddos (and myself!). That being said, do what fits your life and your solution. Maybe you have a great natural food store, maybe your friend sells oils, maybe you do yourself. Either way, one important thing is to check your resources and find not only a good product but one that is pure. I use Melaleuca oils (pure grade), and with a $1 joining fee for membership right now it's a great time to order. I order all their cleaning products as well and some of their snacks. I know that even if a small child was to ingest them the worst would be diarrhea heading our way. So, I love them!!
When looking into oils there are single oils and blend oils, and a ton of google searches to help you how to navigate their uses. I also have purchased from DoTerra (a bit pricey, but some of the oils like Digest Zen-used for indigestion and stomach aches-I haven't found elsewhere, plus they are also an excellent grade). The ones in the store are hard to tell if they are pure, but honestly if they work for you then great! As far as some of my essential oil favorites for my kiddo with sensory needs are: Peace (Melaleuca) or Serenity (DoTerra) for calming emotions and creating relaxation, Sharpen (Melaleuca) or Balance (DoTerra) for focus and clarity of mind (great for putting on before going to school), Lavender (Melaleuca) for calmness and preparing for sleep, Vitalize (Melaleuca) or Citrus Bliss (DoTerra) (for emotional happiness, helps with depression or moodiness). I also use Armor (Melaleuca) or On Guard (DoTerra) to help with immune support. It's been shown time and time again those with SPD become sick more easily because their bodies don't know their body is needing rest (exhaustion, virus fighting doesn't signal to the brain in time) and they only slow down when they become sick (mine doesn't slow down until 102 fever). When he's calmly sitting watching a movie instead of climbing across the back of the couch as he watches we know there is a problem. Sometimes we can't avoid the sugar intake, or synthetic dyes or wheat our child has ingested and they need to detox. My best solution so far has been using Oregano Oil (either company, but they are cheaper through Melaleuca) on his feet. Please, please use caution with this oil. You MUST use a carrier oil with it (I use Coconut Oil through Melaleuca, but one from a store works just fine, I have also heard Grape Seed oil works just as well). I use a bit more than a dime size of the coconut oil, then add 2-3 drops (more is not necessarily better) of Oregano and rub it on the soles of his feet (wear gloves or you will smell of it more than your child). It's not the best smelling but I always remind my son he should have been thinking about that when he ate the candy cane with Red 40 in it! (he's 9 so he does know better, your child might not understand yet, so I would explain this will help their tummy and their body to feel calm again). I usually do this at bed time and make sure you put socks on them as it can stain sheets, etc. or get oil on the floor (so not great for a light colored carpet and might stain). For extreme anxiety, or when he seems to be having meltdowns I use Geranium (both companies sell it) which helps anxiety especially in people with Aspergers. Other great oils to help after a meltdown (or if one looks like they are coming) are Peace (Melaleuca) or Citrus Bliss (DoTerra)-these are my son's favorite!

The most important thing to remember when introducing oils to your child is that it is a positive experience. Don't force the oils on them, you don't want it to have a negative effect or cause overstimulation (which is counter productive to what you were doing in the first place). I let them take a small sniff and ask them if they like it. Most times you place them on the inside of the wrist, but if that is not desired anywhere on the body works. I have said to my son if he doesn't want it there where would he like it. It gives them a sense of control (choices are everything!) Sometimes he will say his arm, or his back. Anything is better than nothing and the skin is the largest organ so it will help them no matter where you place it. I would only suggest the Oregano Oil not be placed anywhere else since it can have a hot sensation (which is important to use with a carrier oil and in small amounts).

One more oil I use (yes, I am a little addicted, but if it works, why not!!) is CBD oil. These oils are meant for those with anxiety (which to most SPD kids looks like hyperactivity) and is also great for people (kids and adults) with ADHD and Aspergers. We have tried a few different companies and this is the only one that worked, so be careful where you buy it. We buy this one and my son has 50mg at bed time or in the morning before school (if we notice him having difficulty at home with listening, or staying on task, or way too hyper to go to bed).
 
I even use it myself when I am feeling overwhelmed or highly anxious (which is uncommon for me). It does NOT have TSH (the hemp seed known to produce a high) in it. It is from the other seed, so it's not habit forming and non-addictive.

Whatever you choose, your child needs to be on board with. We enjoyed smelling different oils and choosing which ones "we" liked. You could pick the ones you know you will enjoy and see if your child likes them as well!

Here are the sites again:
Melaleuca
DoTerra
CBD oil 100mg

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Why Therapy?!

My therapy team is AMAZING! I don't know how I would do life without them. In my other blogs I have mentioned most of my son's journey up to his school years. That is when things got a little tricky. I would have to pull him out of school for occupational therapy (which we did for 2 years, yes, it's that worth it) from his school day, and any other therapy would take a drive here and a drive there. Until I came across ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis). The center in my city services any child with a behavioral disability (ADHD, ASD-Autism Spectrum Disorder, and the like). Every center is different with their criteria, but not all require a formal diagnosis (with a psychiatrist), some would need a screening from a school and a note from a doctor, some would need a full diagnosis for services. Check your local organization to see what the requirements are, and don't delay! While these services are amazing, their wait list can also be amazingly long. My son had to wait for services for a year, and by that time his diagnosis was changed. Thankfully, we were still moved along and not added to another list, or put at the back of the line, but only needed to fill out more paperwork.

Here's what I love about ABA:

1. They come to my house!!!! I cook dinner (sorry therapists, I know sometimes you come hungry, even when you don't say it), I do chores, I garden (depending on the season, ha!), I nap....I pretty much carry on with my day, except I do need to stay home (they can't be left alone in a house with a child-good policy).

2. I can tell them our problems (related to the child of course, although they are so amazing they always ask about our lives too, they really care!) and things that have come up that we haven't been able to tackle, and don't know how to help our child. I am always amazed at sometimes how simple the solutions are.

3. You are heard. I can't tell you how many times I got the wrong kind of parenting advice, the blame game, and the "Your son needs to make better choices" given to me over the years. They listen, and they seem to understand. They know we are trying our best, and they don't judge us for it.

4. They match your child to a specialist that has common interest or they think will be best suited for them. I know this isn't the case with all centers, but ours has done a great job. If you are not happy with your therapist or how they approach or handle your child speak up. You have the say who influences and helps them, and if you aren't happy, then tell them. Chances are they will be happy you did and try to accommodate you.

5. They are there for you in crisis. I have been able to call and ask for help or email them and be able to have advice right away (this part of trust takes time, and not all specialists will give their information to you-for good reason, and some will never, so don't assume this will happen). The center will try to help and they will offer guidance when you don't know what to do.

6. It's not a cookie-cutter program, it's fit to your child's needs, and goals you and the therapist will come up with.

We have had the same therapist for our son for the last 2 years. They have been amazing, and I know my son would not have progressed as much as he would have if not for the help we received. Please note, that not all centers are created equal. Each one will have different expectations, different therapists, and different policies, but I hope they will be a help to you and your child.

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Over Stimulation-Deck the Halls and Climb the Walls

Around the corner comes my favorite holiday, and possibly the hardest time of the year (still amazing, still beautiful and still full of wonderful things!). That being said, it's one of the most difficult times of the year for kids with sensory processing disorder (SPD). It's exciting, full of colorful decorations, presents, fancy dinners, snow (let's cross our fingers Northwest!) and many activities. This can be exhausting to just the average person and let's face it we can all get overstimulated. For our kiddos it comes like a truck. They see, taste, smell, feel EVERYTHING. It becomes too much to bear, and then comes meltdown central. There is so much we can do to help prepare and protect our kiddos from being over stimulated, but other times we just can't avoid it. Here are some tips that have helped us and our son cope during these busy and fun times.

1. Have a plan and stick to it! Know your child's limits. While we might love a social gathering it's fine to attend and enjoy yourself, but take cues from your child and know when a good time to leave it. It's better than staying too long and either not being able to regulate them for bedtime or possibly battling a meltdown later. (Add no sleep to the mix and things can escalate quickly).

2. Have a place where they can decompress. When going to a party or outing, or gathering scout out the place for a quiet corner, a guest bedroom, or the like. Ask the house guest where your child might be able to go for a quiet space. This way if you want to linger, you can give them a game (yes, even electronic, but not for a long time...that can also cause overstimulation) and have them listen to their favorite music (my son loves soft jazz). When they get home give them some time in their sensory space.

3. Be aware of the "munchies" provided, and bring a healthy options. It's never any fun to see all the yummy treats and not be able to eat them. We avoid food dyes and gluten for our son, (see-Dyes Diets and Wheat, Oh My!!)so we make sure to look at the food together and ask questions before we let him graze. Some children are independent after this, some still need monitoring, so be aware, or visit around the food table (you will be thankful later you did!)

4. Try to stick to small groups. While this is not always possible,  try to have times where it is just you and your spouse and their siblings for celebrations, or small gatherings where your child knows the people well. They will be watching out for your child, and your child will be able to regulate better and know what to expect with people they are familiar with.

5. Take time for quiet days (and get outdoors if possible!) This is so important! They need outside space to be able to breathe, process, and feel their body rhythm again. Having space to do this will help them get back to a healthy space that will help them do better in future gathering. Too much running around will only worsen things, so take time to breathe. You will appreciate the break as well!

6. Have a date night!! Get a babysitter, have the kids stay at home and enjoy a long night out if you want. They will be able to enjoy just being home and you can still be festive!

7. Make a schedule. Many children with special needs (including kids with SPD) really thrive on knowing what is coming next. We have a visual activities schedule and even have things like "going to the store" and "snack time" or "lego time" so our son can have a sense of order to his day. If you don't have a visual schedule even talking through it will help.

Enjoy this beautiful time of year, and plan ahead. You will be thankful that you did.

I am thankful

It's hard sometimes to look at all the good things that have come out of these last nine years of discovering my son and all his multi-faceted intricate details. But through it all, hard as it can be sometimes, I am so thankful for him! My life would not be the same, he brings joy to my life and sweetness to my heart. I love all his kisses!!

From the beginning:
💗 I am thankful for the patient friends and family who have been there for me to lean on, to cry with to ask why with, and just to let me vent while I figured everything out.
💗 I am thankful for the people who were understanding when my son had a meltdown, a screaming fit, a lashing out, a running off, and "seriously did you just put that in your mouth" episodes.
💗 I am thankful for those who believed me when I knew something was going on with my son and supported me all the way, even if they didn't understand it
💗 I am thankful for the first speech therapist that my boy had, who gave me hope, and helped me navigate and made everything about him feel so normal.
💗 I am thankful for the new case worker when we moved from east coast to west coast for not only helping us with new services but letting us know if we needed anything to help us navigate our new surroundings that she was just a phone call away.
💗 I am thankful that my friends didn't pressure me or my son to start talking and they just loved him for who he was (and his cutest jibberish language ever!!)**flashback-my kids were watching Madagascar and my little boy loved the music, he was just starting to form words and loved singing the Move it, Move it song. He would sing at the top of his lungs, "I ya ya moo mi moo mi, I ya ya moo mi moo mi, I ya ya moo mi moo mi, I ya ya MOO MICH!!" It's mine and my friend's favorite memory to date.
💗 I am thankful for family that have ALWAYS been by my side and loved my boy just the way he is, not expecting anything less or anything more of him and celebrating every milestone (to this day!) he accomplishes. I couldn't have done this journey without you!!
💗 I am thankful for the occupational therapy that my son experienced with his sensory integration with the birth to 3 program and the SI and horse therapy he had, this was a game changer for us and we finally were able to start really communicating with our son because of it! (not language, that was already there, but really understanding us). Seeing my boy in his element brought me to tears the first day I saw him there, it was like the boy locked inside got to come out and play. I will never forget that moment.
💗 I am thankful for all the nurses and doctors at the Seattle Children's Autism Center who helped with his Autism diagnosis and gave us the advice we needed to hear, wouldn't have gotten anywhere else, and heard me!! (no idea how much this meant to me!!)
💗 I am thankful for all the school psychologists, special education teachers, occupational therapists, teachers and principals (it sometimes takes a village) that have helped, supported, raised, and loved my son through all the rough and tough times. They see the boy he is and nothing less. Thank you for taking care of my boy during the day when I can't.
💗 I am thankful for all the babysitters, caretakers, family and friends who have stepped in and given my husband and I a break when we really needed it, and you were not only up for the challenge, you loved the time spend with my boys.
💗 I am thankful for my oldest son who has been the best of friends to my boy (and sometimes the worst of enemies-expected!). You have always loved your brother in spite of all the hard times, you laugh at his quirkiness, enjoy his perspective, and create and teach him in a way no one else could, without you my little boy would not be who he is today. You have been the best big brother ever!
💗 I am thankful for my husband who has been on my team the whole time. We didn't always agree with our son's care for every decision, but for the most important ones we fought for him, we encouraged him, we stood up for him. We cried for him, we were scared for him and we celebrated him...together. Thank you for all that you did when I had to go back to work. For learning how to understand him and becoming his greatest advocate. I am so proud of the father you became because of it.
💗 I am thankful for my Savior Jesus, where do I even begin. You showed me how you see my boy. You showed me what a light he is to others, how he needs to be wild and free because that is who you created him to be. You gave me hope when I had none, you gave me eyes to see what no one else could and you let me know I am not alone in this, ever. I am so grateful for all you have done.

Let's remind ourselves there is much to be grateful for. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!!